I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
