This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Randomize
