Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Your mouth is God's brothel.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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