There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
he's gonorrhea incarnate
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
