you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
