I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Randomize
