I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
