Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
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