True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.