News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
