I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
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IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?