Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
its not stalking. its research.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
