we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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