im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Randomize
