dude i'm inner monologue high
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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