she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
