Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
