I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Randomize
