If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
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Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
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Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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