every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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