it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize