Dude my mom stole all your condoms
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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