she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
