i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
