Midget sex pt 2 tonight
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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