He felt like a one man threesome
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
