You can't motorboat a personality
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
