i think my mom watched the whole time
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Randomize
