i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
