When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
