Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
