Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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