Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
