I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
