I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
