if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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