There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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