the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Randomize
