i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
