If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
It's shark week go big or go home
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
