it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
