Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
quick i need to know how implid consent works for golf carts
too late i think im gettin a gcui
I haven't been this sober since birth.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Randomize
