My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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