If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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