mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
