I just pynch a tree in the face
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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