Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
