I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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