I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
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He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
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Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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