Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
