Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
