I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Sorry my hands just texted you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize