You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
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I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
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Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
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