I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
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