I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
